


Breathing

by soracia



Series: Everything [3]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dark Past, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Worry, implied/referenced suicide attempt - past, past severe fuckedupness of various kinds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-15 07:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11225949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soracia/pseuds/soracia
Summary: In the wake of a few bad weeks, Enjolras and Grantaire work their way back to normal again, holding on and breathing together.Sequel toAll I Need, wherein Enjolras has nightmares, Grantaire has lots of worry, and together they learn how to breathe again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maharlika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maharlika/gifts).



> So this is a direct sequel to All I Need, and won't make a lot of sense if you haven't read that first. A few of Enjolras' nightmares may be a little graphic, but I'm not going into serious detail on the worst parts. Probably. If that changes, will note and change tags accordingly!

_I'm finding my way back to sanity again_  
_Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there_  
_I take a breath and hold on tight_  
_Spin around one more time  
_ _And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace_

_'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying_  
_Even if you don't wanna speak tonight_  
_That's alright, alright with me_  
_'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door_  
_And listen to you breathing_  
_It's where I wanna be, yeah  
_ _Where I wanna be_

                   _~Lifehouse - Breathing_

 

Enjolras was normally a morning person, but not when he was coming off two weeks of sleep deprivation and a nightmare. He was supposed to be going back to work today, but when his alarm went off, all he really wanted to do was go back to sleep, or at least to curl around his armful of Grantaire and stay there for a few hours.

Grantaire chuckled in soft amusement as Enjolras burrowed into him with a sleepy grumbling sound, clearly not wanting to move despite the alarm, which was so unusual that it was really kind of adorable.

"We can take another day," he murmured, turning his head to kiss the golden curls against his cheek.

"You are not calling me in to work again," Enjolras grumbled, even if all he wanted was exactly that. He couldn't, he had to get back to work, people were depending on him.

Grantaire sighed. "Fine, fine, we'll go in." He didn't work there himself, but people were pretty used to and tolerant about him showing up to just hang out and sketch and keep an eye on Enjolras, which he definitely needed to today. And tomorrow, and probably all week.

Also he needed to talk to Joly, and the sooner the better.

Enjolras finally dragged himself out of bed with another adorable grumbling noise, and Grantaire just watched him for a minute, feeling an affection so intense it was almost painful. His angel.

After a minute he sighed and rolled out of bed as well, noting that Enjolras had said nothing about Grantaire's assumption that he was coming in with him. Sometimes there was a slight argument about it, if Enjolras thought Grantaire was hovering, but today he clearly wanted to keep Grantaire close as well.

Grantaire decided not to think about that too hard right now, he was worried enough as it was. That had been one hell of a nightmare, it seemed, and he wasn't looking forward to it happening again. He had a feeling it was definitely going to happen again. Two weeks was too long, and Enjolras obviously wasn't over it yet.  
  
He pulled on casual clothes and sat down on the side of the bed to enjoy the sight of Enjolras putting himself together in a sharp suit, and really how did he manage to look so delicious all the time?

"You're staring," Enjolras told him, but he was smiling, and that was enough to banish most of Grantaire's worry for the moment.

"Always," he agreed comfortably, stealing a kiss as he got up to find his things and pull on a hoodie, waiting by the door as Enjolras collected his briefcase and made sure he had everything he needed in it.

"Right. Let's go," Enjolras said determinedly, as if he were having to talk himself into walking out the door, and something twinged inside Grantaire's chest. He reached for Enjolras' hand and held it all the way down to the car, letting go briefly as he went to climb in on the opposite side, and reclaiming it once they were settled inside.

"Going to be a busy day, hm?" Grantaire asked, and Enjolras grimaced a little.

"Undoubtedly," he agreed, sighing a little as he pulled into traffic and headed for the small drive thru coffee place near his office, because he definitely needed some caffeine to start this day. A double espresso, at least.

When they arrive at the offices of the non-profit that Enjolras works for, they head straight to the back to join the legal team that Enjolras is nominally the head of. Their organisation is primarily focused on environmental activism, and they always have a big case or three in progress. Enjolras really shouldn't have taken the time off, no matter how necessary.

But he refuses to feel guilty about it, though he may apologise for yesterday. He had planned to come in for at least part of it, until Grantaire had informed him he was doing no such thing.

Combeferre is looking a little harried around the edges, arguing with Bossuet about something, and Joly catches sight of them first, looking worried.

"I'm fine," Enjolras tells him irritably, which fails to relieve his expression, and Enjolras wonders what in the hell Grantaire had said to him when he'd texted yesterday.

"Enjolras! You're back." Combeferre on the other hand looks nothing but relieved, and Enjolras sets down his briefcase and prepares to roll up his sleeves (metaphorically) and get back to work.

Grantaire sits in the corner with his sketchpad and watches, not actually sketching for once because that would mean looking away from Enjolras occasionally, and he doesn't plan to do that more than he can help.

"He...doesn't really look fine," Joly murmurs, edging up to him.

"He's not," Grantaire tells him shortly, and then relents with a long sigh. "He hasn't been sleeping, hardly at all from what I can tell, for at least the last week."

Joly eyes him for a minute. "Bit more to it than that, yeah?" Enjolras is not famous for getting a requisite amount of sleep at the best of times. When he's feeling particularly driven, he shorts himself rather criminally, in Joly's opinion. This looks like...more, now that Grantaire had pointed it out.

Grantaire shrugs. "S'pose so," he agrees, but doesn't elaborate.

"But you let him come back today?" Joly thinks Enjolras looks rather like he could use the rest of the week off yet.

Grantaire snorts and shakes his head. "You know him, it was that or tie him to the bed, and not in the fun way. He didn't want to come," he adds, softer, and hears Joly's sharp, shocked breath.

"Yeah," Grantaire mutters unhappily. "How did you not notice? How did _nobody_ notice?" he demands, keeping his voice down but shooting a glare at his friend.

Joly shrugs, but he still looks worried. "You know what he's like. He kind of...avoids people noticing things. He throws himself into the work and drags you with him, until you're too focused to think it's strange. But now that you've mentioned it...yeah. He's been acting - off, for about a week now."

Grantaire sighs heavily, because he more or less expected that response, but that doesn't mean he's happy about it. "You have to do better," he informs Joly flatly. "Next time. I need to know. Someone needs to do something, before he ends up--" He bites his lip, and doesn't say, _shattered._ It isn't quite as obvious as that, but it isn't _not_ that, either.

"Yes, yes," Joly agrees. "We will do something. You are here to keep an eye on him for today, yes?"

"All week," Grantaire promises grimly, but he manages something like a weary smile for the man who is arguably his best friend. Joly is a part time assistant here in the non-profit's legal department, and spends the rest of his time working as the vet in the shelter that Grantaire volunteers at. They've known each other for years, and Joly has been there for him at some of the messiest points of his relationship with Enjolras.

"Go on," Grantaire tells him, waving him off. "Get to work," he mock scolds. Joly laughs, and goes. Grantaire's smile falls away, and he goes back to watching Enjolras, and thinking. Thinking about his options. Thinking about how pissed off Enjolras is going to be if he does something about all this without them talking (fighting) it out first.

But in Grantaire's mind this is his problem, and he's the one that needs to fix it. He does have some ideas - he even thinks at least one of them is a good idea. Enjolras is still going to be furious with him, one way or the other, because - Grantaire isn't entirely sure why, to be honest, why this issue is apparently something he doesn't even want Grantaire involved in (as if that was even possible when it's obviously _about_ him), but he knows if they pick up their discussion from the fight they were not-having before, there is definitely going to be a fight, and it's shaping up to be the worst they've had in ages.

He might as well fix things first, and then they can fight about that too and get it all over with. Hopefully. Enjolras isn't unreasonable - well, okay, sometimes when it comes to Grantaire he is, but - Grantaire is sure they can work this out. They've handled so many worse things already.

Having Grantaire in sight is making it a great deal easier for Enjolras to concentrate on work - it's not quite as bad as it was the last couple of weeks, and he wonders how much of Combeferre's relief when they came in was the fact that Grantaire came with him.

He thinks about asking, but they really do have a lot of work to do, so he lets himself be distracted, sorting out the argument with Bossuet and making sure their case is back on track. He really could've used some more coffee.

But it's a reasonably productive day, all in all, so he decides to take that as a win. He sighs and stretches when it's time to go - normally he'd work a couple extra hours at a time like this, but he just can't do it today.

Grantaire being in sight is good, but after working all day Enjolras needs to take him home where he can touch and kiss and hang on to him, reassuring the both of them that everything is fine. For a given value of fine, anyway.

By the time he collects his things, Grantaire is already standing waiting for him, clearly as ready to go as Enjolras is. Enjolras smiles faintly at him and rests a hand on his back as they head out, calling goodbyes to everyone else.

Courfeyrac accosts them briefly on the way out, genially demanding to know why Enjolras hadn't come to say hi and tell him he was back. Courfeyrac works in a different department, crafting press releases, writing grant proposals and occasional speeches. Enjolras smiles tiredly at him.

"Sorry," he says, shrugging. "I didn't think, there was just a lot to get done."

Courfeyrac eyes him sharply, clearly seeing the exhaustion and whatever else he looks like right now that is worrying everyone so much, but he smiles back without commenting on it, and claps Enjolras on the shoulder.

"Just good to see you back, but take care of yourself, you hear?" he says sternly.

"Aye aye, captain," Enjolras tells him dryly, making Courfeyrac chuckle as he lets them go.

Enjolras lets Grantaire take his hand again as they head home, squeezing back and holding on tight as he drives. It feels like it's been a long day, and it could be an even longer night, if...he winces and stops thinking about that. Better not to borrow trouble.

Instead he lets the comforting sound of Grantaire's voice wash over him, talking about everything and nothing, listening more to the sound than the words and knowing that's the reason Grantaire is talking anyway. He knows how Enjolras feels about his voice.

Grantaire makes dinner and refuses to let Enjolras help, and Enjolras is tired enough that he lets him, sitting at the kitchen table instead and watching him fondly, feeling warm inside and truly relaxed for the first time today.

"You coming in again tomorrow?" he asks finally as they settle down to eat, fairly sure of the answer and feeling annoyed with himself for the slight anxiety in his chest at the idea that, for some reason, Grantaire might not.

"Of course," Grantaire agrees, giving him a dry look that says he sees right through him. A look that used to be both uncomfortable and infuriating, but right now it just makes Enjolras smile wryly as the tightness in his chest eases and the warmth creeps back in.

"I'll go in to the shelter for at least part of the day sometime this week, but I was planning to come in with you every day if that's alright," Grantaire informs him, and Enjolras nods. It's more than they usually do, but he can admit that right now he would prefer to keep Grantaire in sight as much and for as long as possible.

They curl up on the couch after dinner, lazily watching tv and mostly just enjoying the comfort of quiet touches and lingering kisses, nothing urgent at the moment, just peace and reconnection. It feels like home and safety and nothing else better in the world.

Enjolras knows there are things they still need to talk about, but there is a mutual feeling that they can wait, because right now, this is really more important. Holding on, being and breathing together. Right now it's the only important thing there is.


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

_I've been up for days_  
_I finally lost my mind_  
_And then I lost my way._  
_I'm blistered but I'm better and I'm home._

 _And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know._  
_But I won't let this get me I will fight._  
_You live the life you're given with the storms outside_  
_Some days all I do is watch the sky._

_~Something Corporate - Watch the Sky_

 

Grantaire can't decide if he's more relieved or more worried that Enjolras didn't argue with him about coming into work with him all week. It means he's feeling the same need to be close and keep an eye on each other, which is nice, except that it means Enjolras is still pretty shaken up.

That nightmare really hadn't been one of the ones Grantaire would have expected, partly because it was so long ago, and partly because that particular incident had resulted in them getting together. That part, Grantaire remembers, even if he hadn't been able to believe it at the time.

He'd thought Enjolras hated him, or at least was annoyed by his very existence, considering most of their interactions consisted of arguments and fights of varying degrees. That had apparently not been the case at all, and once Enjolras had decided to let himself have this, he'd done a complete reversal and been obsessively possessive and devoted ever since.

It had made Grantaire's head spin at the time, that the untouchable god he was hopelessly in love with actually wanted him too. Apparently Grantaire almost dying had shaken Enjolras so badly that his stubborn resolve not to give in to what he wanted had broken completely. Not that Grantaire was complaining, but it had taken a long, long time for him to really believe it.

He'd been sure he didn't deserve this, that Enjolras could do so much better than him, deserved better than him. Didn't understand why someone like Enjolras would even look at him, much less want to _keep_ him, like forever. He'd tried to leave, repeatedly, even if it was the last thing he wanted, to let Enjolras find someone else, someone better. Surely there was someone better, surely Enjolras would get over him and see that it was for the best.

But Enjolras had been furious that he had so little faith in himself, in them, had chased him down every time and refused to let him go, and when Grantaire's fucked up head had led him to take drastic measures, Enjolras had managed to find him in time to get him to a hospital, refused to let him die.

There had been other issues after that, other things they'd had to work through, and it had been hard, but also brilliant and sharp, shining and wonderful, the best thing that had ever happened to him. They'd made it through so much, so many crazy hard things, and they were still here, more together than they'd ever been, better every day.

Grantaire hummed contentedly to himself as he ran his fingers through Enjolras' hair, and kissed the top of his head almost absently, thinking about how far they'd come. All of the shit they'd fought through, to make this work, really work.

"I can hear you thinking," Enjolras told him dryly from where he had his ear pressed to Grantaire's chest, listening to his heart as he often did. He sounded vaguely sleepy, as if he'd been dozing a bit, and Grantaire chuckled softly. Adorable.

"I'm thinking we should go to bed early," Grantaire said, "considering how much sleep we've both not been getting lately." And considering that if Enjolras had another nightmare, which seemed all too likely, better they got as much sleep as possible.

"Hmm," Enjolras answered, a sound that might have been agreement, but he made no move to get up. He was far too comfortable right where he was, with Grantaire wrapped around him, heartbeat steady in his ear, and nothing to do, nowhere to be except here, just like this, limbs entangled and sharing warmth.

It was nice, Grantaire agreed, and he stayed for a moment carding his fingers through the soft curls and thinking again. If Enjolras kept having nightmares - and who knew how long it would take him to get it out of his system, this had never happened before - then a lot of things were going to come up that neither of them really wanted to talk about.

Past mistakes, that both of them insisted on taking the blame for, and therefore they didn't talk about those things because it always led to a fight. They'd agreed to not keep saying they were sorry, and maintained a careful illusion that neither of them were blaming themselves, If they were going to have to talk about these things, and it seemed they were...well, that illusion was going to shatter, wasn't it.

Sighing and deciding to leave tomorrow's trouble to tomorrow, Grantaire finally shifted and pulled Enjolras up with him, taking time to kiss him softly and thoroughly before tugging him toward the bedroom. Enjolras followed him with merely another sleepy grumble, and Grantaire grinned to himself. Yeah, time for sleep.

Grantaire didn't bother with showering tonight, just pushed Enjolras directly into bed and started undressing him with gentle, tender hands. Enjolras muttered something about not being a child, but since he was half asleep he didn't really protest, letting Grantaire maneuver him into bed and settling there with a sleepy sigh. He did grumble when Grantaire pulled away to shed his own clothes, making Grantaire chuckle softly to himself.

"Christ, why are you so adorable," he muttered as he hit the lights and crawled in beside his lover, wrapping him up warmly and sighing contentedly as Enjolras snuggled in against him, already mostly asleep. Which is a little worrying, to be honest. It isn't even ten o'clock yet, and Enjolras is exhausted.

But Grantaire is feeling pretty damn tired himself, so he merely holds Enjolras close and tight and closes his eyes, wondering if nightmares are contagious. He feels a little bit chaotic, his head full of the things Enjolras might dream about, and God knows he doesn't want to dream about them either.

Grantaire has only almost died three times - well, two, and once when Enjolras thought he might - but there are any number of times when he tried to leave, or...he's not sure what the other times are, but he knows there are some he's missing, things he didn't realise made such an impact on Enjolras at the time. He finally falls asleep worrying about this, wondering what other things he's done that could have hurt Enjolras so badly.

This time there's no thrashing, no physical reaction except for the way Enjolras freezes when he wakes up. Grantaire only comes half awake, murmuring a sleepy interrogative, and Enjolras reaches blindly to touch his face, stroking the curve of his jaw.

"Are you alright?" he whispers in spite of himself, and he can feel Grantaire coming more awake beside him. He would be kicking himself for it, if he didn't so desperately need an answer to his question. He shivers. _Please be alright._

"Course," Grantaire tells him through a jaw-cracking yawn. "M'fine, lover, ever'thing's fine..." His hands are automatically threading through Enjolras' hair, gentle and soothing, and running up and down his spine in long, calming sweeps.

Enjolras sighs and forces himself to relax, letting the touches sink into his skin and reassure him that it's a different time, that everything really is fine, that Grantaire isn't far away and they're okay, for now. Everything's okay.

"So which one was that?" Grantaire asks finally, not entirely sure he wants to know. He's expecting Enjolras to pull away again, but instead he burrows in closer, hanging on tight enough to leave bruises. Grantaire frowns, not liking that reaction at all. What could be worse than him getting stabbed, aside from the time he tried to kill himself, and he really hopes to God it isn't that one. He doesn't really want to make Enjolras talk about that one.

"If it's that other time I almost died," he starts, about to say as much, but Enjolras shakes his head without moving.

"No," he mumbles finally. "Not that," although he shivers a little with the memory, fingers reaching to trace the scars like a touchstone. "Not any one time," he continues at last, almost absently. Grantaire isn't sure at first that he's going to add anything to that, but eventually he does.

"When you used go dark," Enjolras shrugs a little. "Get quiet. Hating yourself more than usual. You wouldn't talk, or even move for days sometimes. I used to think maybe one day..." He pauses, holding himself very stilll now, and Grantaire wonders if those days made Enjolras afraid of another suicide attempt, but apparently that's not it.

"I used to worry you'd get lost inside your head, and never come out again," Enjolras murmurs, barely audible. "I'd lose you to the darkness."

Grantaire blinks, not having expected that, not remotely. The depression that used to eat him alive sometimes - another thing he never guessed might be part of Enjolras' nightmares.

"I'm here, _ange_ ," he whispers back. "That hasn't happened for a long time now. It's so much better now." He's on medication now, for one thing, and for another, he's learned to trust the happiness they have, the peace they've managed to find together.

"I know," Enjolras mutters. "I know. But sometimes, when...one of your jobs goes bad, I see it in your eyes, that look again." The way it used to start. "It could happen, it could get bad again, I...I just worry."

"No, no listen to me, love, it couldn't," Grantaire tells him. "It won't ever be that bad again, I swear. My head's not so messed up anymore, and you've learned ways to pull me out of my moods before they get so bad, and I'm....I feel whole, now, in a way I didn't before. You and me, we've made it through. Through so much. There's too much behind us now for me to...to doubt like that. I couldn't do that to you again, not now."

"Mmm," Enjolras says, not entirely convinced, but it does make him feel better. He nuzzles at the stubble on Grantaire's jaw, smiling a little. The dream was empty, cold, and terrifying, not least because it still feels _possible,_ if not as likely as it used to be. It's an old one as his nightmares go, almost as old as their relationship. He runs a hand down Grantaire's side, up and down and across his back, just absorbing the warmth and reassurance through his fingertips, caressing and loving at the same time.

"Can't lose you," he says finally, subdued. "Really can't, R - it'd kill me, I think. I think I'd die." Knows he would, really. Knows it would bring his world crashing down around his ears, too shattered to repair. Knows the screaming void Grantaire would leave behind would swallow him whole.

Grantaire is quiet for a little while, his turn to hold on tight and bury his face in Enjolras' hair. "Likewise," he murmurs at last, sounding a bit shaky. Enjolras wonders what he's thinking, if he has a myriad fears of it like Enjolras does, if it makes him feel like his mind is breaking apart just thinking about it. But he doesn't ask, merely wraps Grantaire up in a strong embrace and holds on tight, both of them hanging on and breathing together.

After awhile they relax into each other's hold, foreheads pressed together, breathing synced as they rest together, comfortably entwined and tranquil now as the feeling of peace and safety and home settles over them.

Eventually Grantaire breaks the silence, smiling a little and reaching up to cradle the side of Enjolras' face, thumb brushing gently over his cheekbone. "We're going to make it through this, _ange,_ " he murmurs. "We're going to be okay. I'll be here, I'll always be here, _je promets._ I'll never let you go."

Enjolras sighs, a long gusting sigh as any lingering tension drains out of him. "I know," he says softly. "I know. I'll never let you go either. I'll be here holding on, no matter what."

"Good," Grantaire murmurs, still smiling. His hands roam over warm skin, soothing and caressing, owning and loving and memorising with his fingertips, leaving little trails of silver fire in their wake.  
  
They fall silent and still, relaxed in a warm embrace, foreheads leant together, faces inches apart, breathing each other's air. They'll make it. They'll be together, and that's all they need.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Shortish chapters probably, but updates should be fairly frequent now that I am writing again! :D


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